Every one of us has a story to tell that calls forth the mystery of “who we are”.
As we tell this story–to ourselves or to anyone else–we can choose to call out different aspects: the dramatic moments that we think are important, the struggles that we imagine define us, or the moments in time where, if we connect the dots, paint a picture of a life that holds more promise than we thought possible. We choose what we pay attention to. We choose as well the meaning that we give to it.
This is true in every moment.
We have a choice to view each experience through the lens of the creative spark of life, or we can forever doubt the truth of our own inner experience, giving credence only to what comes from outside of us. That self-doubt, for me, has defined my suffering.
Surrender: Anything But Sweet
We hear tell of “Sweet Surrender.” But surrender was never sweet for me. It meant losing—losing face, losing the game, losing who I thought I was. The truth was that I felt like I would lose myself, even if I didn’t have a clear notion of what that meant.
If I stayed in control, I would be safe; even as my gut was clenched against a blow that never came and my spirit sagged beneath the weight of my sorry expectations.
My years as a psychotherapist taught me to think of this way of being as “using defense mechanisms”. But all the therapy, encounter groups, and self-help books didn’t teach me what I needed to know in order to feel a sense of inner peace.
Because how do you surrender when you feel like doing so puts your existence on the line?
The Inner Realm Unlocks the Door
Yet, the dream of something grand was nascent within me, bubbling away underground and surfacing regularly. It kept me moving towards something that was quietly waiting.
I wanted to trust that something existed beyond my basic fear of life. But I needed to get quiet enough, long enough, consistently enough to experience the inner realm that was waiting for me.
It was not until I had the opportunity to receive energy transmissions during a time of deep meditation, that a new way of being with myself opened up. I felt such extraordinary Love, that was beyond what I had ever known was possible. It was not emotional in the slightest, yet gave me a feeling of utter well-being and connectedness to something greater than me.
It was at the very same time an integral part of me.
I could no longer doubt that the grandness in life that I had longed to experience actually existed. It was this inner experience of Love that took root in me and opened the way to transform my life in unimaginable ways. The boundaries melted away with the experiential recognition of a new life beginning to bloom.
It was the beginning of learning about the possibilities inherent in surrender. That there was something very precious to gain rather than an identity to lose.
What about you? Will you surrender to who you are? It’s time. And it is magnificent. Because you are.